Posts Tagged ‘yoga’

Lots of Questions

I have so many thoughts in my mind about weight loss that I often wonder: Which ones are the *right* ones? Should I be counting calories, counting points or counting nothing? Why is it that one day I decide that I have had enough of dieting and a mere two days later, I am debating points or calories? I read weight loss blog after weight loss blog and I always click the “how I did it” link and always, one after the other, something is being counted. My RD insists that I do not have to count anything to lose weight but why don’t I just trust her? Why can’t I go a few days straight without counting something? How do I breeze by the scale on some mornings but others it is like a moth to a flame?

All of these questions flood my mind as I log onto my points tracker for the first time in a couple of days. I think the problem lies within my faith in myself and all of the rules I have placed around food. Though I know in my mind that food is neither good nor bad, I insist on applying those labels. On Saturday, I gave up on weight watchers for the 1000th time in the past five years and decided to go be “bad”. If I’m not dieting then I must be binging. We went to Uno’s and I ate what I wanted but only a small amount. I didn’t stuff myself silly and it didn’t lead to binging later. But still, in the back of my mind, I was “bad”. Had I continued on SFT or points, I would have never gone to Uno’s, not by choice anyway because Uno’s is “bad”. Really, it isn’t Uno’s that is bad but my behavior that needs the work. So, if these things are “bad” why do I do them to myself? After all of my therapy and RD sessions, I am still beating myself up for something. I feel like I don’t deserve to be thin so, I go about my merry way sabotaging myself.

Yesterday, I was practicing yoga for the first time in ages and my mind kept wandering. Why didn’t I practice yoga more often? I know I feel better when I practice. How did I go from a dedicated practice to mentally struggling in child’s pose? How have I so quickly let my self care fall to the wayside? Not only in my yoga practice but in my every day life? Surely, all of this has something to do with the value that I place on myself. Will I ever let go of my past and see that I am a person worthy of happiness? Will the days of depression and self sabotage end? Even if I am not cut out for counting *something* why doesn’t just eating healthy and staying active feel “good enough” sometimes?

All of the questions weigh so heavy on my mind and in my heart. I so desperatley want to know the answers and I know that they are somewhere within in me, I just have to tap into them. But how?