Posts Tagged ‘weight loss’

Doing The Leg Work

A few days have passed since my last post and I have already missed writing on this blog. Writing is such an essential part of who I am that I feel insane without it. Sometimes, I feel insane with it but that is a different story 😀 Anyway, I am back Weight Watchers and counting my points. Since I started again on Tuesday, I have a had a couple of realizati0ns that I’d like to share with you. These little moments of clarity are what this road to being healthy and fit is all about.

I officially started counting points again on Tuesday. It was then that a little light bulb went off about a continual pattern in my choices with weight watchers. I start on flex, don’t really mind counting the points but start to think that following the SFT (core) will make my life easier. I do choose from the filling foods list after-all so why should I need to worry with counting. Well, now I know why I should worry with counting. It seems to me that there is something about the logging into my tracker and tracking the points that keeps me OP (on plan). Each and every time, except my first go round, of not counting, my mind starts to tell me that I really don’t need to worry about tracking or counting anything. Next thing I know, I am eating (uncounted) pizza and buffalo wings.

That realization led me to the second one. What would happen if I made the pizza and the buffalo wings part of my plan? What if I ate them within my points budget instead of automatically hitting the panic button and going crazy on it?  This got me thinking about legalizing foods and I am of the mindset that no foods should be off limits and that we have to make all foods legal in order to be successful. But, I haven’t really been doing that. My RD, plenty of books and most of the people I know that have successfully kept off their weight have told me this. In certain arenas of my life, I have legalized my “trigger foods”. I can keep nutella in my house now and rarely binge on it. I did that by buying a boatload of jars and keeping them in my house at all times. Doing that took the glamour away from it. Don’t get me wrong, when my mind wants to binge, nutella is still the first place it goes but binging just because it is there no longer happens. And if we are being honest about it, for me, trigger foods and binging don’t always go hand in hand. If I “need” to binge, I can do it on grapes if I have to.

So, I know that the legalizing thing works but I’ve never done the leg work of legalizing eating out . I have a few safe places like Ukrop’s or Panera but in most cases, eating out is a big bad scary wolf to me. I fear it and typically overeat like there is no tomorrow when I go to certain types of places. The main culprits are Uno’s Chicago Grill, Mexican food, Italian food and any sort of unplanned dinner out. I always do the same thing, order everything I want, eat it all, order dessert, eat it all and leave feeling sick and miserable. So, how do I legalize it? What if I plan for it? Hmmm….who’d a thought?

With that in mind, I talked to the DH and he has agreed to help me with legalizing eating out. In honor of that, tonight, we are going to Uno’s for pizza. I went online, scoped out the menu and have learned the points value of my favorites. Sure, I have gone to the Uno’s site in the past but have only ever looked at the NI of the foods that I perceive as healthy. I have to say, I was pleasantly surprised. I can have flat-bread pizza and my favorite Gorgonzola walnut side salad for a less than shocking number of points. If I want the deep dish pizza, it is a few more but nothing that a sweaty workout can’t make up for. Who knew? Next weekend, we shall venture to our favorite Mexican establishment.

I’m not sure why these things have never dawned on me before but I feel like I am one step closer to my goals now. I feel like if I keep on keepin’ on with the points and learn to eat at my triggering restaurants, I will have won a beautiful part of the battle. I think that one day, I will get to a place that counting isn’t necessary and that I can walk into a hole in the wall Italian joint without panic in my gut. I just have to do the leg work first.

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Lots of Questions

I have so many thoughts in my mind about weight loss that I often wonder: Which ones are the *right* ones? Should I be counting calories, counting points or counting nothing? Why is it that one day I decide that I have had enough of dieting and a mere two days later, I am debating points or calories? I read weight loss blog after weight loss blog and I always click the “how I did it” link and always, one after the other, something is being counted. My RD insists that I do not have to count anything to lose weight but why don’t I just trust her? Why can’t I go a few days straight without counting something? How do I breeze by the scale on some mornings but others it is like a moth to a flame?

All of these questions flood my mind as I log onto my points tracker for the first time in a couple of days. I think the problem lies within my faith in myself and all of the rules I have placed around food. Though I know in my mind that food is neither good nor bad, I insist on applying those labels. On Saturday, I gave up on weight watchers for the 1000th time in the past five years and decided to go be “bad”. If I’m not dieting then I must be binging. We went to Uno’s and I ate what I wanted but only a small amount. I didn’t stuff myself silly and it didn’t lead to binging later. But still, in the back of my mind, I was “bad”. Had I continued on SFT or points, I would have never gone to Uno’s, not by choice anyway because Uno’s is “bad”. Really, it isn’t Uno’s that is bad but my behavior that needs the work. So, if these things are “bad” why do I do them to myself? After all of my therapy and RD sessions, I am still beating myself up for something. I feel like I don’t deserve to be thin so, I go about my merry way sabotaging myself.

Yesterday, I was practicing yoga for the first time in ages and my mind kept wandering. Why didn’t I practice yoga more often? I know I feel better when I practice. How did I go from a dedicated practice to mentally struggling in child’s pose? How have I so quickly let my self care fall to the wayside? Not only in my yoga practice but in my every day life? Surely, all of this has something to do with the value that I place on myself. Will I ever let go of my past and see that I am a person worthy of happiness? Will the days of depression and self sabotage end? Even if I am not cut out for counting *something* why doesn’t just eating healthy and staying active feel “good enough” sometimes?

All of the questions weigh so heavy on my mind and in my heart. I so desperatley want to know the answers and I know that they are somewhere within in me, I just have to tap into them. But how?

Here I Am

Writing has been important to me for as long as I can remember. I’ve always loved the sense of peace I felt after writing it all out. I’ve written a few blogs in the past and have had a good go at a couple of them but in the end, they haven’t been just what I needed. So, here I am, ready to write again. If you read my story then you already know that I struggle with my weight. The road that lead me to where I am today has been long and hard but I am a survivor. I’m tackling my demons and ready to live my life to the fullest.

For my first post, I thought I’d write about all of the mixed up emotions I have been feeling lately about my weight. I recently hired a personal trainer and I guess I had some unrealistic expectations. Everyone says that muscle burns calories so I thought the pounds would start to melt away once I was in a steady weight lifting routine. I’ve been running {fairly} regularly and seeing my trainer twice per week but the pounds are not melting away. I followed Weight Watchers for a couple of weeks and that didn’t help.

Logically, I know that I am building muscles and that my I am probably retaining a boat load of water but that doesn’t help how I feel about the scale. I want the scale to go down. Actually, what I really want is to not be a slave to the scale anymore. I want to fit into smaller clothes and stop weighing myself so much. Torturing myself with the scale is not my definition of living out loud. Neither is being hungry and depriving myself.

I wish I knew the magical answer (besides the old adage calories in/calories out) to this road to weight loss. I know that I have to eat less than I burn to lose the weight but mentally, where exactly do I need to be and how do I stay there? I don’t believe in will power, I truly believe that when the time is right, our minds will take us where we need to go. Kind of like running, at one time in my life, I loved running. I ran 25 to 30 miles per week and nothing could keep me from putting on my shoes and getting out there. Then, something changed, the aches and pains kicked in, I moved to a place with hills the size of mountains and the running stopped. For two years, I fought with myself about running again and then one day, something happened. Something clicked and I have been running ever since. The same aches, pains and hills are still there but I am running anyway. What clicked? I have no idea.

I do feel that I am in a better state of mind than I was a couple of years ago. I spent so much money and time in therapy and with my RD that I don’t want to undo all of that hard work. I learned so much and I know what the “healthy” mindset is and I don’t want to undo all of the things I know are right by getting sucked into the diet mentality again. But, on the other hand, I want to be able to wear cute clothes and feel good about my body. I don’t want to be stuck where I am now, not a “misses” and not a “woman”. A cute outfit is one of my favorite things in life and now, shopping is a misable thing. I can never find anything that fits; “regular” clothes are too small and plus size clothes are too big. I want to be able to rock the plaid golf pants at work (I work for a Golf Club, btw) and cute little outfits on the weekends.

So, how do I get to a place that is happy both mentally and physically? What has to click?