Posts Tagged ‘shopping’

Here I Am

Writing has been important to me for as long as I can remember. I’ve always loved the sense of peace I felt after writing it all out. I’ve written a few blogs in the past and have had a good go at a couple of them but in the end, they haven’t been just what I needed. So, here I am, ready to write again. If you read my story then you already know that I struggle with my weight. The road that lead me to where I am today has been long and hard but I am a survivor. I’m tackling my demons and ready to live my life to the fullest.

For my first post, I thought I’d write about all of the mixed up emotions I have been feeling lately about my weight. I recently hired a personal trainer and I guess I had some unrealistic expectations. Everyone says that muscle burns calories so I thought the pounds would start to melt away once I was in a steady weight lifting routine. I’ve been running {fairly} regularly and seeing my trainer twice per week but the pounds are not melting away. I followed Weight Watchers for a couple of weeks and that didn’t help.

Logically, I know that I am building muscles and that my I am probably retaining a boat load of water but that doesn’t help how I feel about the scale. I want the scale to go down. Actually, what I really want is to not be a slave to the scale anymore. I want to fit into smaller clothes and stop weighing myself so much. Torturing myself with the scale is not my definition of living out loud. Neither is being hungry and depriving myself.

I wish I knew the magical answer (besides the old adage calories in/calories out) to this road to weight loss. I know that I have to eat less than I burn to lose the weight but mentally, where exactly do I need to be and how do I stay there? I don’t believe in will power, I truly believe that when the time is right, our minds will take us where we need to go. Kind of like running, at one time in my life, I loved running. I ran 25 to 30 miles per week and nothing could keep me from putting on my shoes and getting out there. Then, something changed, the aches and pains kicked in, I moved to a place with hills the size of mountains and the running stopped. For two years, I fought with myself about running again and then one day, something happened. Something clicked and I have been running ever since. The same aches, pains and hills are still there but I am running anyway. What clicked? I have no idea.

I do feel that I am in a better state of mind than I was a couple of years ago. I spent so much money and time in therapy and with my RD that I don’t want to undo all of that hard work. I learned so much and I know what the “healthy” mindset is and I don’t want to undo all of the things I know are right by getting sucked into the diet mentality again. But, on the other hand, I want to be able to wear cute clothes and feel good about my body. I don’t want to be stuck where I am now, not a “misses” and not a “woman”. A cute outfit is one of my favorite things in life and now, shopping is a misable thing. I can never find anything that fits; “regular” clothes are too small and plus size clothes are too big. I want to be able to rock the plaid golf pants at work (I work for a Golf Club, btw) and cute little outfits on the weekends.

So, how do I get to a place that is happy both mentally and physically? What has to click?