Posts Tagged ‘diet mentality’

This Time

Today is my “official” WI day and it wasn’t good; I gained. I know all of the morale boosting sayings about water weight and fluctuations but I can’t help but pin it down to the binge from Sunday. And of course, my mind takes me right back to dieting. Should I do weight watchers or should I count calories? The really sick part of that is the weight I was this morning is actually higher than when I officially joined weight watchers three weeks ago. So if dieting leads to binging and binging leads to weight gain, why do I keep wanting to go back?

I make all of these empty promises to myself about “this time”. What is this time, really? Isn’t it all just living our lives and chasing that dream of happiness? It is times like these that the voice of my RD floats around in my head. She told me to just “live out loud”; do what I want and don’t wait for thinness to pursue life. She is right, I only get this one shot and I feel like I am wasting it on these struggles. In the end, I know all of this is to teach me something. And I even think I know what that is. Live it while you can. I know first hand from my brothers passing that there are no guarantees. Tomorrow may not happen so why bother fighting with yesterday and today. Why not just live it up?

I want to be able to take on the world without fear of calories, pounds, long workouts, short workouts. I want to eat because I am hungry and exercise because it relieves stress and depression. I want to talk to my friends about things other than the latest diet and how my next five pounds are coming off. I want to take advantage of the time I spent in therapy and with my RD and really let those lessons sink in. I want to write, bead, practice yoga and run. So what would happen if I focused my energy there instead of on the scale? I have covered up the voice of my spirit for so long with the voice of my next diet that I haven’t been able to really listen to the things that make my heart sing.

And really, don’t we all just want our hearts to sing?

Advertisements

A Fine Line

Yesterday was not a good day, food wise. On Saturday night, I couldn’t get to sleep and eventually took a tylenol pm to lull me into dreamland. Not a good idea, I know, but I did it and woke up feeling like I was hit by a mack truck because of it. I was groggy, sore from my workout and hungry. Despite  a decent breakfast, the whole day ended up being a hungry day and those days make me grouchy, especially when I am trying to follow the points plan. My stomach had that empty hollow feeling most of the day and my points were slowly but surely drifting away. I was already in panic mode because I was out of WPA and would be dipping into AP’s if I went over my DP’s.

The day progressed and my hunger grew. I thought that the lazy Sunday was causing the hunger so I told the DH that we had to get out of the house. We headed out and went to Target and things started to really go down hill. I got a tall cafe mocha which is pretty high in points but somehow, I felt ok with it. I was still feeling a bit hungry but thought it was in my mind so we proceeded to the book store. I hung in the diet section most of the time, of course, and even bought a diet book. By the time we paid, I was ravenous. I was shaky, my stomach was growling non stop and the only thoughts in my brain were eating. We were headed to the grocery store and I saw a Mexican place and that made my brain and stomach happy. I went back and forth about whether or not to just eat the Mexican food and eventually decided against it because my points were already in the toilet.

We got what we needed from the grocery store and finally, we were headed back home to make dinner. I was so freakin hungry at this point that I ate two handfuls of almonds out of my purse. By the time we made it home, I was on a mission. I made the dinner I had planned, Hamburger “Fried” brown rice, but I didn’t measure the oil, or anything for that matter. I just dumped until it was all ready to eat. I shoveled it down like there was no tomorrow and then hit the coconut milk ice cream and the girl scout cookies. While I was making the bowl of ice cream, I nibbled on frozen brownies and frozen muffins. When I sat down with the ice cream, I felt calm and at peace. Honestly, I didn’t even feel guilty about my behavior.

But it did elicit wonder. I wonder, what would have happened had I just gone to the Mexican restaurant when my hunger was a little less? Would I have been less out of control? I had been feeling a bit out of control all day and my points budget was making those feelings worse. In the beginning of the day, I just wanted to be able to eat normal healthy food and by the end, I was shoveling every junk food I had in my mouth. I’m not really sure how to get through times like this other than give up the dieting and just concentrate on changing my lifestyle. If you know me IRL or have picked up on this in the short life of this blog, you know that this is a really hard thing for me and my brain to just settle on.

I go back and forth, on again and off again. Some people say it is willpower and I don’t believe that. My therapist and my RD would also disagree that this is not willpower situation. This is disordered. I wonder, why do I keep trying? Why do I keep chasing the thin dream? Why do I continue to diet when mentally, I feel so much more sane when I don’t? Why can’t I accept my size 16 body the way that it is and appreciate the things it can do? This is a struggle that I will probably always face. A challenge that I will forge against forever. I want to be heatlhy and fit but I don’t want to starve or deprive myself to do it because deprivation is what leads to the behavior of yesterday. There is a fine line somewhere and I just haven’t found it.

Lots of Questions

I have so many thoughts in my mind about weight loss that I often wonder: Which ones are the *right* ones? Should I be counting calories, counting points or counting nothing? Why is it that one day I decide that I have had enough of dieting and a mere two days later, I am debating points or calories? I read weight loss blog after weight loss blog and I always click the “how I did it” link and always, one after the other, something is being counted. My RD insists that I do not have to count anything to lose weight but why don’t I just trust her? Why can’t I go a few days straight without counting something? How do I breeze by the scale on some mornings but others it is like a moth to a flame?

All of these questions flood my mind as I log onto my points tracker for the first time in a couple of days. I think the problem lies within my faith in myself and all of the rules I have placed around food. Though I know in my mind that food is neither good nor bad, I insist on applying those labels. On Saturday, I gave up on weight watchers for the 1000th time in the past five years and decided to go be “bad”. If I’m not dieting then I must be binging. We went to Uno’s and I ate what I wanted but only a small amount. I didn’t stuff myself silly and it didn’t lead to binging later. But still, in the back of my mind, I was “bad”. Had I continued on SFT or points, I would have never gone to Uno’s, not by choice anyway because Uno’s is “bad”. Really, it isn’t Uno’s that is bad but my behavior that needs the work. So, if these things are “bad” why do I do them to myself? After all of my therapy and RD sessions, I am still beating myself up for something. I feel like I don’t deserve to be thin so, I go about my merry way sabotaging myself.

Yesterday, I was practicing yoga for the first time in ages and my mind kept wandering. Why didn’t I practice yoga more often? I know I feel better when I practice. How did I go from a dedicated practice to mentally struggling in child’s pose? How have I so quickly let my self care fall to the wayside? Not only in my yoga practice but in my every day life? Surely, all of this has something to do with the value that I place on myself. Will I ever let go of my past and see that I am a person worthy of happiness? Will the days of depression and self sabotage end? Even if I am not cut out for counting *something* why doesn’t just eating healthy and staying active feel “good enough” sometimes?

All of the questions weigh so heavy on my mind and in my heart. I so desperatley want to know the answers and I know that they are somewhere within in me, I just have to tap into them. But how?

Here I Am

Writing has been important to me for as long as I can remember. I’ve always loved the sense of peace I felt after writing it all out. I’ve written a few blogs in the past and have had a good go at a couple of them but in the end, they haven’t been just what I needed. So, here I am, ready to write again. If you read my story then you already know that I struggle with my weight. The road that lead me to where I am today has been long and hard but I am a survivor. I’m tackling my demons and ready to live my life to the fullest.

For my first post, I thought I’d write about all of the mixed up emotions I have been feeling lately about my weight. I recently hired a personal trainer and I guess I had some unrealistic expectations. Everyone says that muscle burns calories so I thought the pounds would start to melt away once I was in a steady weight lifting routine. I’ve been running {fairly} regularly and seeing my trainer twice per week but the pounds are not melting away. I followed Weight Watchers for a couple of weeks and that didn’t help.

Logically, I know that I am building muscles and that my I am probably retaining a boat load of water but that doesn’t help how I feel about the scale. I want the scale to go down. Actually, what I really want is to not be a slave to the scale anymore. I want to fit into smaller clothes and stop weighing myself so much. Torturing myself with the scale is not my definition of living out loud. Neither is being hungry and depriving myself.

I wish I knew the magical answer (besides the old adage calories in/calories out) to this road to weight loss. I know that I have to eat less than I burn to lose the weight but mentally, where exactly do I need to be and how do I stay there? I don’t believe in will power, I truly believe that when the time is right, our minds will take us where we need to go. Kind of like running, at one time in my life, I loved running. I ran 25 to 30 miles per week and nothing could keep me from putting on my shoes and getting out there. Then, something changed, the aches and pains kicked in, I moved to a place with hills the size of mountains and the running stopped. For two years, I fought with myself about running again and then one day, something happened. Something clicked and I have been running ever since. The same aches, pains and hills are still there but I am running anyway. What clicked? I have no idea.

I do feel that I am in a better state of mind than I was a couple of years ago. I spent so much money and time in therapy and with my RD that I don’t want to undo all of that hard work. I learned so much and I know what the “healthy” mindset is and I don’t want to undo all of the things I know are right by getting sucked into the diet mentality again. But, on the other hand, I want to be able to wear cute clothes and feel good about my body. I don’t want to be stuck where I am now, not a “misses” and not a “woman”. A cute outfit is one of my favorite things in life and now, shopping is a misable thing. I can never find anything that fits; “regular” clothes are too small and plus size clothes are too big. I want to be able to rock the plaid golf pants at work (I work for a Golf Club, btw) and cute little outfits on the weekends.

So, how do I get to a place that is happy both mentally and physically? What has to click?