A Piece of my Heart

On facebook this morning, one of my “friends” made a slanderous comment about the death of Michael Jackson and all morning long, I envisioned myself telling her off on her facebook page, on her blog or by private email. Now granted, this person is not really a friend but someone I know through my old blog but for some reason, her words cut me like a knife. After stewing on it while getting ready for work, I decided to delete her as my “friend”. Even still, I couldn’t figure out why it felt like her jab at Michael Jackson was a jab at my heart. The death of the “King of Pop” was weighing heavy my mind and I felt like a piece of my soul was missing. The reason dawned on me as I was listening to a tribute to him and his music on the radio

Micheal Jackson was, in fact, a piece of my heart. You see, I don’t have many memories of being a child and the ones I do have are typically bad and only remind me of how I was abused. As I look back, I only have one memory of my dad that doesn’t include abuse and it is about Michael Jackson. It was 1982, his album “Thriller” was on store shelves and the Redskins were playing in the SuperBowl. In my little eight year old heart, it would  mean the world to me to own the album and I had spotted it on sale at K-Mart for $10. I suppose I must have begged and begged for the album until finally my dad made a deal with me. If I would go outside during the SuperBowl and yell “Go Redskins” he would buy me the album. I don’t really remember doing the yelling part or if my dad held up his end of the bargain but I still feel like a piece of all that was precious of being a kid is gone. Sure, Michael Jackson was odd to say the least but he owned a piece of my heart that I will never get back.

At first, I thought it was silly for me to feel like I needed to grieve over a man that I did not know but I now realize that what I really need is to grieve over my lost childhood. Those are years that I will never get back and have molded me into who I am today. It was not pleasant and I have done my best to rise above it and and not let the vicious cycle of abuse continue. And even now that my one fond memory is tainted, I will carry on and forge ahead. Michael Jackson will forever sing in my heart.

Rest in Peace, Michael Jackson.


8 responses to this post.

  1. I think everyone has some kind of memory like this, tied to someone or something that is not “ours” or someone we don’t actually know. I loved reading your story about the album – it seems like a good memory 🙂

    I hope you have a beautiful day!


  2. I don’t really get personally upset by celebrities dying. I mean, I definitely care… but I wouldn’t cry or anything. However, I do find it repulsive that so many people are making horrible comments about him passing. People are just shit. You and I both know this. Love you =]


  3. Posted by Trumekia on June 26, 2009 at 2:49 pm

    Any human that has an understanding of who MJ is could not say anything negative during these moments. I love that man regardless of the decisions he made he is a genius and got me throught the 80’s with happiness. I had a watch at “Walker Grant Middle School” that my grandmother gave me that had ‘Beat It” I loved that watch and love the person. We as human have a right to our opinions BUT a moment for grieving should also be respected. We tell those people to ‘Beat It”. The moment that I learned about MJ the back glass of my convertible shattered and I felt like my heart did that same thing. I did not even get mad or angry because i felt that I had no right to.

    The childhood memory of happiness that you and MJ hold it close because it will bring a smile to your face in the future.

    Have an awesome day baby girl


  4. Posted by Debbie~ on June 26, 2009 at 4:39 pm

    I welled up with emotion when I heard about MJ’s death and sobbed like a baby while listening to everyone’s memories and shared thoughts on the radio. That kind of took me by surprise…feeling so much emotion about a celebrities death but then, like you, I started examining my feelings.

    I realized that I had shared many childhood memories with Michael Jackson…my first couple’s skate was to “I wanna rock with you”, the feelings that overwhelmed me when I first heard “We Are the World” and still makes me cry when I hear it today. And countless others that strike a cord within me that no other artist has ever done. MJ was a part of my childhood and now there is a void left as a result of his passing.

    I know there are people saying horrible things about him and it makes me sad. Whether you love him or hate him, you have to give him the respect that he deserves, he was truly a genius in so many ways and a part of Americana will be missing without him.

    On a positive note….Christie, I’m so glad to ‘see’ you back {{{{{hugs}}}} let me know how I can find you on Facebook:)


  5. christie, don’t be surprised or anything that i followed you here – you know i am one of your biggest fans 🙂

    i feel you about MJ. i can’t bear to read/listen to nasty comments made about him, it is just so unnecessary. his music has brought such great times into my life, and i will always remain such a great fan and lover of his talent and genius. let’s keep rocking to his beat!


  6. I hear you. The person he was has nothing to do with what my feelings are on his passing.

    It’s my childhood that I’m mourning. His passing and Farrah’s, both icons of my childhood simply point out to me, that I’m indeed aging as well. The Thriller album as well as Off the Wall were ones that I can recall vividly. I am older than you, but back then, there was not 500 channels and so we played these albums late into the evening chatting with my sister or talking to friends. Learning the dance moves from MTV videos is another childhood memory that lingers.

    A loss of life, is a loss, whether you knew that person or not.

    You should be proud of yourself for feeling this and allowing yourself to experience and deal with the emotion.


  7. it is sort of like yours.. if I get past that growly tummy stage.. watch out.. then I get headachy shakey and short tempered.. so if I eat when I feel I am hungry.. then I am fine.. congrats for intuitive eating.. keep it up..


  8. You are so sweet.


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