A Fine Line

Yesterday was not a good day, food wise. On Saturday night, I couldn’t get to sleep and eventually took a tylenol pm to lull me into dreamland. Not a good idea, I know, but I did it and woke up feeling like I was hit by a mack truck because of it. I was groggy, sore from my workout and hungry. Despite  a decent breakfast, the whole day ended up being a hungry day and those days make me grouchy, especially when I am trying to follow the points plan. My stomach had that empty hollow feeling most of the day and my points were slowly but surely drifting away. I was already in panic mode because I was out of WPA and would be dipping into AP’s if I went over my DP’s.

The day progressed and my hunger grew. I thought that the lazy Sunday was causing the hunger so I told the DH that we had to get out of the house. We headed out and went to Target and things started to really go down hill. I got a tall cafe mocha which is pretty high in points but somehow, I felt ok with it. I was still feeling a bit hungry but thought it was in my mind so we proceeded to the book store. I hung in the diet section most of the time, of course, and even bought a diet book. By the time we paid, I was ravenous. I was shaky, my stomach was growling non stop and the only thoughts in my brain were eating. We were headed to the grocery store and I saw a Mexican place and that made my brain and stomach happy. I went back and forth about whether or not to just eat the Mexican food and eventually decided against it because my points were already in the toilet.

We got what we needed from the grocery store and finally, we were headed back home to make dinner. I was so freakin hungry at this point that I ate two handfuls of almonds out of my purse. By the time we made it home, I was on a mission. I made the dinner I had planned, Hamburger “Fried” brown rice, but I didn’t measure the oil, or anything for that matter. I just dumped until it was all ready to eat. I shoveled it down like there was no tomorrow and then hit the coconut milk ice cream and the girl scout cookies. While I was making the bowl of ice cream, I nibbled on frozen brownies and frozen muffins. When I sat down with the ice cream, I felt calm and at peace. Honestly, I didn’t even feel guilty about my behavior.

But it did elicit wonder. I wonder, what would have happened had I just gone to the Mexican restaurant when my hunger was a little less? Would I have been less out of control? I had been feeling a bit out of control all day and my points budget was making those feelings worse. In the beginning of the day, I just wanted to be able to eat normal healthy food and by the end, I was shoveling every junk food I had in my mouth. I’m not really sure how to get through times like this other than give up the dieting and just concentrate on changing my lifestyle. If you know me IRL or have picked up on this in the short life of this blog, you know that this is a really hard thing for me and my brain to just settle on.

I go back and forth, on again and off again. Some people say it is willpower and I don’t believe that. My therapist and my RD would also disagree that this is not willpower situation. This is disordered. I wonder, why do I keep trying? Why do I keep chasing the thin dream? Why do I continue to diet when mentally, I feel so much more sane when I don’t? Why can’t I accept my size 16 body the way that it is and appreciate the things it can do? This is a struggle that I will probably always face. A challenge that I will forge against forever. I want to be heatlhy and fit but I don’t want to starve or deprive myself to do it because deprivation is what leads to the behavior of yesterday. There is a fine line somewhere and I just haven’t found it.


3 responses to this post.

  1. I could relate to many of your feelings about your day yesterday. It is never a good feeling when you are literally so hungry. In my opinion, at those times, we really do need to eat. It’s a tough world out there when we are surrounded by food that is no good for us, and that the food industry has manufactured to lure us into wanting it no matter what. I don’t know what the solution is, but I think even having an inkling of understanding of how you are feeling is half the battle. Just keep trying and remember that even if you don’t believe it, you are beautiful as you are. Do what you feel you can to improve your health each day, but your core self is already a masterpiece 🙂


  2. (((christie)))

    Everyone has those hungry/bottomless pit days, for sure, and me especially when I don’t sleep well. I think every day that we have like this offers us a lesson – I’m not sure what it is each time, but it’s just one more thing to learn from. Maybe next time you do go to the mexican place and end that hunger before it gets to be too much?

    I think the hardest thing is that there isn’t ONE answer that works for everyone. we’re all different, we think different, we react different. The hard part is finding what works for you and what doesn’t.


  3. I can totaly relate. We just got back from a weeks vacation in Florida at the beach. Want to hear a heartening story that may help. I worked my but off for weeks trying to get to where I would’nt be totally embarased to wear a bathing suit and never lost a pound, in the last 4 weeks.
    This morning after a week of vacation and no trips to the gym for 10 days I decided my work clothes felt a little loose, so I got on the scale…I lost 5 pounds while on vacation? The opposite of what should happen.
    The only thing I can figure ( and believe me I’m going to analyze this mystery) is what I was eating. I had little tiny snacks all day long and only 1 sit down dinner in a restaurant since we had a kitchen in our condo. We completely skipped the traditional 3 sit down meals of the day. We didn’t do it on purpose, it just happened with my husband and I and my 2 girls running in and out to the pool and beach all day. I also drank a ton of water since it was like 100 degrees all week in south Florida. Anyway keep your chin up, sometimes when we least expect it we find something good happens.


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