Lots of Questions

I have so many thoughts in my mind about weight loss that I often wonder: Which ones are the *right* ones? Should I be counting calories, counting points or counting nothing? Why is it that one day I decide that I have had enough of dieting and a mere two days later, I am debating points or calories? I read weight loss blog after weight loss blog and I always click the “how I did it” link and always, one after the other, something is being counted. My RD insists that I do not have to count anything to lose weight but why don’t I just trust her? Why can’t I go a few days straight without counting something? How do I breeze by the scale on some mornings but others it is like a moth to a flame?

All of these questions flood my mind as I log onto my points tracker for the first time in a couple of days. I think the problem lies within my faith in myself and all of the rules I have placed around food. Though I know in my mind that food is neither good nor bad, I insist on applying those labels. On Saturday, I gave up on weight watchers for the 1000th time in the past five years and decided to go be “bad”. If I’m not dieting then I must be binging. We went to Uno’s and I ate what I wanted but only a small amount. I didn’t stuff myself silly and it didn’t lead to binging later. But still, in the back of my mind, I was “bad”. Had I continued on SFT or points, I would have never gone to Uno’s, not by choice anyway because Uno’s is “bad”. Really, it isn’t Uno’s that is bad but my behavior that needs the work. So, if these things are “bad” why do I do them to myself? After all of my therapy and RD sessions, I am still beating myself up for something. I feel like I don’t deserve to be thin so, I go about my merry way sabotaging myself.

Yesterday, I was practicing yoga for the first time in ages and my mind kept wandering. Why didn’t I practice yoga more often? I know I feel better when I practice. How did I go from a dedicated practice to mentally struggling in child’s pose? How have I so quickly let my self care fall to the wayside? Not only in my yoga practice but in my every day life? Surely, all of this has something to do with the value that I place on myself. Will I ever let go of my past and see that I am a person worthy of happiness? Will the days of depression and self sabotage end? Even if I am not cut out for counting *something* why doesn’t just eating healthy and staying active feel “good enough” sometimes?

All of the questions weigh so heavy on my mind and in my heart. I so desperatley want to know the answers and I know that they are somewhere within in me, I just have to tap into them. But how?

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6 responses to this post.

  1. I think so many of us struggle with this same questions. And when I do I try to remember how far I’ve come and that when I started this journey I had an entirely different set of questions.

    You’re growing and learning, be proud of that.

    Reply

  2. (((beadie)))

    I think this is the hardest thing – once you’ve gone through any period of time with the “good/bad” mentality and those thoughts, it is so hard to get them out of your head. I still have them and I hate it – it seems like I’m over that for a while and then, in they creep again.

    I think the struggle with it does mean that you’re growing and moving out of that, which is why it’s so hard. It’s hard to change and move away from what we are used to and comfortable with – just know you’re not alone with these thoughts and struggles. I loved reading this today because I’ve been having a lot of the same thoughts lately and it’s nice to know that I’m not alone either.

    Reply

  3. Posted by Desiree on June 16, 2009 at 7:03 pm

    I am on this weight loss journey also. I have been for most of my life. I have over 100 lbs to lose and have lost around 35 since the beginning of the year. I have struggled with disappointment that I havn’t lost more. I go to the gym at least 3 days/week and am doing Weight Watchers (slightly modified). I know I have come a long way through the years of this journey. I am more aware of myself and what my triggers are for emotional eating. I am more aware of my choices, good and bad. I am feeling more successful and hopeful than I ever have. I am trying to let go of my expectations which I can never achieve and allow God to work truth and realness in my heart, I wil have peace. Thank you for your sincerity and transparency. You have grown and are healthier than you ever have been. I read a quote today on another site. “Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift that’s why it’s called the present.” Cherish your success, letting it be a foundation for future success.

    Reply

  4. just found your blog.. will add you to my reading list.. believe that you can attain this whatever your long term goal is… find what works for you.. if its eating in moderation and exercise do it… if you find counting calories and exercise to be your key do it.. if you like WW online do it.. WW online is what I like and I find that if I log what goes in.. I have a better idea of what I am really eating… and I do eat more concisciously.. much luck to you!!

    Reply

  5. Posted by Ruth on June 18, 2009 at 6:03 am

    I too just found your blog. Don’t worry, you will figure out what works for you. It sounds like weight watchers isn’t that. I would suggest starting with something small at first, such as working or portion control, reducing sweets in your diet, or start walking daily. Starting small and work your way up will prevent you from becoming overwhelmed and give up.

    Reply

  6. Posted by Ruth on June 18, 2009 at 6:04 am

    here is my blog if you want any tips and have any questions
    http://shefit.wordpress.com

    Reply

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